Don’t Be A HO HO HO This New Year’s!: The only balls that should drop are in Times Square

GRANDMA’S GOING OUT WITH THE LADIES THIS NEW YEAR’S.

She is not listening to you cry for the twelfth year in a row over another “suitor” who wanted everything except to make you his wife.

Brandy in one hand and old-fashioned standards in the other, Grandma has exactly zero tolerance left for another New Year’s Day sob story.

And darling, body count is how many people died last year. It is not something you announce after New Year’s Eve. It’s appalling.

So before midnight, Grandma is reviewing the evidence: the liars, losers, cheaters, “he’s different” disasters, and every terrible decision that somehow ended in mascara and tears by breakfast.

Don’t Be a HO HO HO This New Year’s! is a wickedly funny illustrated rhyming book for the woman who is tired of being treated like an option and would actually like to be loved, courted, and chosen.

Grandma still believes in commitment before husband privileges.

You call that old-fashioned.

She calls modern dating the reason you still don’t have a husband.